Why Acting? (also titled: Why the vow of poverty?)

Babbling to get my thoughts collected and clarified:

Why have I decided the career path of acting? Some days I know with utter certainty, other days (like lately) I ponder the what-ifs of other choices, and on a smattering of days here and there I think I’m completely insane. I graduated college in 2004 with a BA in Bible, and never knew what I was doing with my life until around the spring of 2008 when I decided on acting school—even that was just a next step, please PLEASE don’t ask me what I plan on doing when I graduate.

Throughout my 28 years, I’ve changed quite a lot. Interests have come and gone, but performance in one capacity or another has stuck with me. Music, dance, acting; I’ve always loved it for one reason or another. Usually I love it for the ministry and the beauty, and sometimes in my worse moments I love it for the “look what I can do” factor.

When I got into college, I was solid about being a Youth Pastor. I enrolled at Eastern Nazarene College as a Religion major with an emphasis on youth ministry, but I only took one class towards my major that year. It was interesting, but the class that really hooked me was Intro to Bible. All the professor did was just go through the Bible and tell us what’s in it. I was enthralled. I couldn’t get enough of that class; I hadn’t had much in the way of Bible teaching growing up. The Bible seemed like this huge labyrinthine phonebook to me, but as the semester progressed it seemed to shrink a bit. I transferred schools, and landed at Messiah College. This school was different in the way that it actually offered a major in Bible. I was doubting my call to youth ministry when one of my professors made an excellent point: “If you’re going into the ministry in any capacity, what more important foundation can you have than the Bible? Be a Bible major, and all the technical stuff you can learn in seminary or out in the field.” I switched majors, and never regretted it. Well, what happened to the youth ministry thing?

When I was in high school, our youth pastor was an incredible man of God, and a huge influence in my life. I realized that I was following in his footsteps because I admired him so much. At the time I really thought it was the call of the Holy Spirit on my life, but when I think about the circumstances of what I heard and how, I realize now that it was definitely my own desires. I’m not saying I’ll never be involved in that ministry; I recognize that it is one of, if not THE most important ministries in the church. I definitely have a heart to see children and youth be discipled. Once I left that path, however, I was a little lost. By switching majors, I had given myself a more open-ended career path, and I had no idea where to go other than to finish school.

As a Bible major, I was starving for God. I soaked up my classes like a sponge, always eager to learn more. I fell completely in love with God’s word, but unfortunately I still felt very distant from God himself. A lot of circumstances in my life made understanding him difficult for me, and educational institutions often do not have classes in hearing God’s voice! My second semester of sophomore year (probably one of the more horrible times in my life), God pointed me towards YWAM’s Discipleship Training School by way of an old friend. Through a few conversations with him about it, I saw the different in his life and his newfound passion, and knew immediately that’s what I was so hungry for. I didn’t want to leave school at all, so I decided that after I graduated I would do their DTS, School of Evangelism (the next level up), and School of Performing Arts. All of this was decided over the course of a month or so. DTS is all about knowing God, SOE is all about making him known, and the SOPA was a similarly structured school (3 months classroom training, 2 months outreach) that focused on the heart of the artist, and reclaiming our creativity for God. If we serve the Creator, why are we not the most creative people? This school was a sample of many different aspects of the arts, which was perfect for me because my experiences were spread too thin to really allow me to make an informed decision on what I wanted to develop further.

During college, I went to Japan for a summer on a mission trip. While I was there, I thought that perhaps God was wanting me to be full-time in Japan, and I would have had no problem with that! I loved it there, but struggled with the knowledge that God was not leading me there. Throughout school I kicked around a few career ideas, and was most excited about Biblical Archaeology and/or a Master’s in Old Testament, but I decided that I didn’t want to spend another 10 years in school—not to mention I’d probably end up in a teaching position, and I wasn’t so sure I wanted that. I graduated from Messiah, and had a summer and change to spend before I started YWAM the coming January. I felt God pulling me towards working at a summer camp, and I ended up at Camp Sandy Cove. One summer turned into 3+. In between YWAM schools I worked at camp. While at camp as in Japan, I wrestled with the idea that perhaps that would be my ministry in life. There was only one full-year position open, that of receptionist, and I would have gladly applied for that position and considered it a ministry (it is!). Again, however, God said no. Actually, for every place I ministered in between colleges (and it was a lot, all 3 YWAM outreaches where cross-country mobile team style), I prayed and asked God if that was where he wanted me—and the only place I heard “you belong here” was in Hollywood on SOPA outreach. Last place I ever woulda chosen for myself. Dunno how permanent it is, but having found a home church here after searching for one for 10 years in 3 different states, I hope I get to stay a while. But I digress.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that God tells me what to do and I do it like I’m some kind of robot. What I mean by all this, is that more than anything in my life I want to be in his will. He knows me better than I know myself, and my hidden talents and desires that I am unwilling to search my own heart to find. Listening for his voice is something that comes with practice, and I’ve had my fair turn of hearing it wrong. I know that God leads us down one path to show us another, and that has been the way he has helped me structure my life. I’ve never had more than a 3 year plan in my life, because I’ve never been able to see that far ahead. Some of these paths that he’s taken me off are ones that I recognize he may full well put me back on someday. Some people have it where God presents to them several options for them to choose, each one of them full of promise for fulfilling their purpose in life. For me, I was so spiritually needy in my early 20s, that I needed and wanted him to direct me more than allow me to choose. It worked well for me then, and now I’m in a different place with that relationship.

YWAM’s School of Performing Arts was the time in my life when I really started to embrace my interest and talent in acting. In high school I was involved in our church’s drama team, and I was told that I had a raw talent. However, I also had crippling stage fright. I never did any high school productions because of it. I couldn’t handle anything more than a short sermon illustration skit! My Discipleship Training School, however, turned that upside down.

In high school, I loved doing drama because I loved the thrill of entertaining people. I loved having them laugh with me, while at the same time bringing clarity to abstract concepts. However, I was afraid of being laughed at. I was terrified of messing up and ruining the skit, or having people laugh at me for my own stupidity. Irrational, I know. I still have a lot of dumb, irrational fears, despite the fact that God is the Lord of Hosts. Anyway, during DTS we toured the USA for our outreach and performed a 45-minute drama/dance/multimedia production about the sanctity of human life. We performed in schools, churches, and parking lots. To say it was incredible is an understatement. At our very first performance, the Holy Spirit came down like a heavy downpour. We performed the show about 4 times a week for 8 weeks, and the times we did our worst were the times God used us the most. Being a part of something greater than myself completely (if not mostly) erased my stage fright. By the time I got to SOPA and we performed a one-act version of Pride & Prejudice, I was enthralled to be on the stage. All the fear was more like a rush, like what you feel when you are about to jump off a high dive. And I did well. I was typecast as an elderly villain. So much fun. I finally started considering pursuing acting, but I still wasn’t sure.

Out of all our performing arts training, acting was the one thing I felt I had a good hold on. I had no previous training, but I did well. As far as passion, I think I was more passionate about movement. However, I love words, and I just can’t pursue dance and movement. I still would feel the need to communicate with my words, and I would miss that ability.

One of the things that I love so much about movement was how much of it is out of my control. I remember during our sanctity of human life presentation, we did a movement piece about the creation of the world. I feel like I did nothing but do my part to contribute to a whole, but the picture we created was beautiful. And it wasn’t so much “look at me, I do this well,” but it was more about “see how God placed us here to be a part of this thing that speaks of who he is.” Using my whole self to communicate a message of Truth—that’s what acting is about for me. When I am passionate about something, it resonates through my whole body until I feel like I might explode. Acting is a way of getting that energy out of me in order to make known to the audience what I’m feeling. There it is.

When SOPA was over, I decided to take a year or two off to figure things out. I was trying to decide between acting and costumes, another interest I had. I decided no on costumes, because as fun as sewing can be, the production end of costuming makes me overly-stressed and "snap"py. Clearly not a good "fit" for me (see what i did there? i made a funny). I even took a career test. I thought it might help me decide, but at the top of the list, way ahead of everything else, was Museum Curator. I actually looked into that , too, but didn’t want to do a Master’s program for a highly competitive field. I moved in with two of my best friends, and took an office job at a local car dealership with the intention of doing community theatre. As of then, I still had never been in a full-length production. I auditioned for the musical The Secret Garden, and got an ensemble role. I absolutely loved every minute of it. That spring I decided to attend theatre school. I never thought I would get in to a good school, but I thought “what is the harm in trying?” It was too late to audition for fall entry, so I waited a few months to start on that. That fall, the same theatre company then did Urinetown!, and I won the role of Little Sally. It was one of the best experiences I’ve had in my life, and I knew I made a right decision. They loved me too, and I was voted in as a board member-at-large! A few months later, I was accepted into AADA.

One thing that sealed the deal for me on knowing I had picked the right path was actually my surgery. I had a thyroidectomy in October 2008. I scheduled it for the day after our last show of Urinetown; I wanted that thing out of me as soon as possible. However, there was a (slight) possibility that the surgery could be botched, and I would lose the ability to sing or even speak ever again. That thought terrified me. I knew it wouldn’t happen, but accidents don’t happen on purpose. I knew that performing arts was the right choice for me, because if I could never read another ancient history textbook again, I’d be fine. Which is a ridiculously bad example of me trying to explain my passion for this...but whatever. I would miss expanding that part of me, but I would be ok. But if I lost my voice and could never sing again… well… the thought of it made my heart feel this panicky... desolation and the animal part of my brain hurt from some sort of primeval fear. Or something. Again, bad examples, but I know what I mean. :) I love to use the body God gave me to worship him, and I want to spend my life doing it. However, I recognize that God may call me out of this for whatever reason, and I am full willing to give it up to him should the time come. I gave up playing the bassoon in high school because I held that passion above him. It was hard, but I did it willingly because I didn’t want anything in the way.

Now that I’m in school, it hasn’t been easy. Trying to fulfill a purpose God has placed on your life isn’t something that’s just a cakewalk. School has been hard. I’ve found my weaknesses, and worked so hard to overcome them, only to find that they don’t really want to be overcome. Then there’s the self-esteem. I look back on pictures of myself when I was in high school and college, and I realize that I had the pathological need to be invisible in certain ways, ways that I find still creep into my mind every now and then. As a performer, clearly this is a problem. I’ve been making a conscious effort to act in an opposite spirit. Not in the way of showing off or anything, but more in the way of trying to look nice in public (as opposed to sweatpants), singing in front of others, and even posting my headshots on facebook where everyone can see them. It’s weird, I know, but then again those things never make sense, do they? So here I am, working hard, feeling like I’m not getting anywhere for it, but undeniable, infinitely overjoyed to be doing it. God has a funny sense of humor. Especially evident, because not only am I getting the training I need as an actor, but I'm making a living in the meantime in the school's costume department. :)