One Year in LA

O all wide places, far from feverous towns!
Great shining seas! pine forests! mountains wild!
Rock-bosomed shores! rough heaths! and sheep-cropt downs!
Vast pallid clouds! blue spaces undefiled!
Room! give me room! give loneliness and air!
Free things and plenteous in your regions fair.

O God of mountains, stars, and boundless spaces!
O God of freedom and of joyous hearts!
When thy face looketh forth from all men's faces,
There will be room enough in crowded marts;
Brood thou around me, and the noise is o'er;
Thy universe my closet with shut door.

Heart, heart, awake! the love that loveth all
Maketh a deeper calm than Horeb's cave.
God in thee, can his children's folly gall?
Love may be hurt, but shall not love be brave?--
Thy holy silence sinks in dews of balm;
Thou art my solitude, my mountain-calm.

~George MacDonald, from Longing

I came upon this poem shortlybefore moving out here, and it spoke to me through my fears of moving to an urban area. Fears I am still working to overcome, but who isn't a work in progress? I've been here in LA for exactly a year now. Aug 29, 2009 was my first full day in Los Angeles; and also the day I found my home church, Ecclesia, after 10 years of searching for one. I cannot fully express how good God has been to me this past year, although I've been trying to in previous posts. :)

Late Night Thots

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I do not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

~Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII

i dunno why, but this poem came to mind recently. i haven't read it since college; i always found it so beautiful, but never understood it. it used to call to mind st. john of the cross, and his work "the dark night of the soul." today, i think i understand it, because i think i've come to a place with Christ where i'm beginning to learn what love is. and that final stanza sticks out to me, because that is essentially my prayer as an actor.

[this was hard for me to post.]

File Under: Shameless Self-Promotion

I was in this! It was my first set shoot ever (besides something for YWAM)! The band is Chromeo, a French-Canadian duo who did a song for Yo Gabba Gabba. Real nice guys. My eyes are in the middle at 0:39 & 0:44, then I'm in it again at 2:25. Fun shoot, working for director Keith Schofield. My friend Matt was casting this; he's the dude w/ the golf clubs. :)

http://pitchfork.com/tv/#/musicvideo/6915-chromeo-dont-turn-the-lights-on-atlantic

Of Bike Baskets and McDonald Park

Have you ever had an experience where you’re not sure if you should laugh or cry? The crying would be joyful, of course, because there’s so much emotion welling up inside of you, that it has to spill out somewhere: might as well be tears. Then you realize that the choice itself is funny, and you start laughing like a maniac; everything that caused this is just so wonderful and beautiful that you can’t help but find it funny. You sit there laughing, and then you laugh because you’re laughing, and then you laugh because you’re afraid someone might see you, but who is going to worry about a person who is laughing?

It was one of those evenings.

I’ve been driving around scouting neighborhoods when I get the chance, hoping to find a good place where Laura and I don’t have an awful commute while still feeling relatively safe. Tonight I decided to try Pasadena. I had been there once before, but it was my first time and I was driving…and I was lost. Bad combination for me learning to like a place. From the maps, the commute seemed easy, so decided to try a commute from school to Pasadena on a Friday evening. As I’ve mentioned before I love driving and adventuring, so I find this sort of thing fun.
Took me 40 minutes, and only because I zig-zagged through traffic-light territory for 20 minutes trying to find a good route. Not bad. From google maps at home, I decided my adventure would be to visit a bike shop there, and possibly buy a pair of gloves. It was pretty hilarious to me that I passed 2 bike shops on the way there. I ended up getting lost, and ended up at another bike shop, where both gloves AND baskets were on sale! I got back on the road, and headed in the direction of a neighborhood where Craig’s List was giving a lot of affordable housing results.

I thought it would be dodgy, but it was actually pretty cute. I didn’t get to the exact spot I wanted to see, but I was pretty close. Here’s where it gets funny (to me).

After the bike shop, I was just in a really good mood. I had been driving through a beautiful section of town full of bungalows and victorian mansions. I happened upon that shop by mistake, but just felt really blessed that I had the money to buy the things I wanted to make my life easier. It made me feel happy, and at the same time a little overwhelmed. Who am I that all this comes my way? Who am I that I have all I need, and sometimes am even able to have things I want? I really wanted to have some “Jesus time” in a park (or parking lot), so I asked him if he could lead me to one. He did. A few turns I felt impressed to make even took me past Fuller, and this idea came to me that even though I let go of some passions in my life (see previous post, I had considered Fuller), that doesn’t mean they are gone forever. Not that I’m planning on going there, but it was just a hope that God sees me and knows my needs and wants, and works in my life accordingly to use them to his glory. That makes me happy. :) But I digress (I do that a lot). As I said, I came to a park. A really nice one, in fact. Reminded me of one near my grandparents’ house in Iowa, and made me happy and remembering family. I wished I had my Bible on me, but instead I took my scrap with directions on it an a pen from my purse, and sat down at a picnic table. That’s when I almost started to cry, and then started laughing like a crazy person. It felt good. Not that I haven’t laughed in a while—hanging out with Laura makes my face hurt. This was different, just a lightness and a joy that I really can’t describe. The hilarity of it all…I asked God to show me a park so I could go talk to him and praise him, and he lead me right to one!! I remembered a verse spoken over me a few years ago that I may have brought up already: Isaiah 30:21. “Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, ‘This is the way you should go,’ whether to the right or the left.”

WOW. I think that’s what made me laugh so much, seeing how literal he could be! I hadn’t even thought about that verse until I was sitting at the table and I just busted out. I can’t believe how much God loves me, and wants to reveal himself to me. I need to spend more time in prayer with him, I need more “face time.” For someone I love so much, I don’t seek him out so often. Sure I’m mindful of him throughout the day, but that’s like being in the same room with someone but not talking to them. When Laura’s in the room, I can’t shut up. Sometimes I wish he’d speak to me, but I guess I don’t really wait to listen. He pursues me in so many ways, but I always want more without giving back. Why do I have to be so selfish about it, so needy?

While I was at the table, I wasn't really sure what to say or what to ask for, other than to just keep thanking him for his provision and blessings over and over again. One of the best things I had heard all week was from a friend regarding my apartment, he said "Congratulations on turning a VERY small apartment into a home." That made my heart so happy. My furniture is mostly from the curb and I don't have a "real" kitchen, but I'm glad I can make it comfortable for guests even. Back to the table, I ended up just taking my pen and in the small spaces on the scrap writing the names of God and declaring who he is over my life. I wrote some of it in Greek, and it made me happy that I could draw what I thought was a dead portion of my education in order to praise him. I sucked at Greek, despite how badly I wanted to learn it. One of the many things "I'd like to do" is re-learn it. Seeing Fuller and then just having Greek randomly come out of me again after 7 years was awesome. Just lots of things coming together to speak hope over my life that God has a plan for me and this hodge-podge of education, passions, and interests he's put in me. I still feel selfish for writing that, though, because in all honesty, who AM I that he would sing over me like this!?!?!

(and i want to reiterate that i am NOT planning on going to Fuller, just the sight of it spoke something to me is all!)

I miss storms.

II

Thou on whose stream, 'mid the steep sky's commotion,
Loose clouds like earth's decaying leaves are shed,
Shook from the tangled boughs of heaven and ocean,

Angels of rain and lightning! there are spread
On the blue surface of thine airy surge,
Like the bright hair uplifted from the head

Of some fierce Mænad, even from the dim verge
Of the horizon to the zenith's height,
The locks of the approaching storm. Thou dirge

Of the dying year, to which this closing night
Will be the dome of a vast sepulchre,
Vaulted with all thy congregated might

Of vapours, from whose solid atmosphere
Black rain, and fire, and hail, will burst: O hear!

~Shelley, Ode to the West Wind

File Under: Geek

I love this. It's from Terrence Malick's The New World, one of my all-time favorite movies. I think if I get married, I would want this to be my wedding march. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uW1kIJLzYdE

Recipe: Scheherazade's Dream Cobbler

I made this up for my church home group based on stuff lying around I wanted to use, thinking it would be delicious. It was. I named it thusly for the middle eastern influence by way of the cardamom (or so I fancy), and for my love of the movie Waitress.

Scheherazade's Dream Cobbler.

4 Tbsp butter, melted
1/2 cup old-fashioned oats
2 Tbsp sugar
1 tsp ground cardamom
3 peaches, skinned & diced
1 regular-size package of strawberries, diced (about 15-20)

Preheat toaster oven (for realsies!) to 375F. Mix peaches, strawberries, and 1 Tbsp of sugar. Mix in cardamom, and set aside to let the sugar gooify the fruit. Stir together melted butter, oats, and other Tbsp remaining of sugar. Add to the fruit mixture, or if you're feeling sassy, toast it first to give it a little crunch and sprinkle it on top. Spread it into an 8x8 brownie pan, and bake for 20 minutes or until bubbly.

Why Acting? (also titled: Why the vow of poverty?)

Babbling to get my thoughts collected and clarified:

Why have I decided the career path of acting? Some days I know with utter certainty, other days (like lately) I ponder the what-ifs of other choices, and on a smattering of days here and there I think I’m completely insane. I graduated college in 2004 with a BA in Bible, and never knew what I was doing with my life until around the spring of 2008 when I decided on acting school—even that was just a next step, please PLEASE don’t ask me what I plan on doing when I graduate.

Throughout my 28 years, I’ve changed quite a lot. Interests have come and gone, but performance in one capacity or another has stuck with me. Music, dance, acting; I’ve always loved it for one reason or another. Usually I love it for the ministry and the beauty, and sometimes in my worse moments I love it for the “look what I can do” factor.

When I got into college, I was solid about being a Youth Pastor. I enrolled at Eastern Nazarene College as a Religion major with an emphasis on youth ministry, but I only took one class towards my major that year. It was interesting, but the class that really hooked me was Intro to Bible. All the professor did was just go through the Bible and tell us what’s in it. I was enthralled. I couldn’t get enough of that class; I hadn’t had much in the way of Bible teaching growing up. The Bible seemed like this huge labyrinthine phonebook to me, but as the semester progressed it seemed to shrink a bit. I transferred schools, and landed at Messiah College. This school was different in the way that it actually offered a major in Bible. I was doubting my call to youth ministry when one of my professors made an excellent point: “If you’re going into the ministry in any capacity, what more important foundation can you have than the Bible? Be a Bible major, and all the technical stuff you can learn in seminary or out in the field.” I switched majors, and never regretted it. Well, what happened to the youth ministry thing?

When I was in high school, our youth pastor was an incredible man of God, and a huge influence in my life. I realized that I was following in his footsteps because I admired him so much. At the time I really thought it was the call of the Holy Spirit on my life, but when I think about the circumstances of what I heard and how, I realize now that it was definitely my own desires. I’m not saying I’ll never be involved in that ministry; I recognize that it is one of, if not THE most important ministries in the church. I definitely have a heart to see children and youth be discipled. Once I left that path, however, I was a little lost. By switching majors, I had given myself a more open-ended career path, and I had no idea where to go other than to finish school.

As a Bible major, I was starving for God. I soaked up my classes like a sponge, always eager to learn more. I fell completely in love with God’s word, but unfortunately I still felt very distant from God himself. A lot of circumstances in my life made understanding him difficult for me, and educational institutions often do not have classes in hearing God’s voice! My second semester of sophomore year (probably one of the more horrible times in my life), God pointed me towards YWAM’s Discipleship Training School by way of an old friend. Through a few conversations with him about it, I saw the different in his life and his newfound passion, and knew immediately that’s what I was so hungry for. I didn’t want to leave school at all, so I decided that after I graduated I would do their DTS, School of Evangelism (the next level up), and School of Performing Arts. All of this was decided over the course of a month or so. DTS is all about knowing God, SOE is all about making him known, and the SOPA was a similarly structured school (3 months classroom training, 2 months outreach) that focused on the heart of the artist, and reclaiming our creativity for God. If we serve the Creator, why are we not the most creative people? This school was a sample of many different aspects of the arts, which was perfect for me because my experiences were spread too thin to really allow me to make an informed decision on what I wanted to develop further.

During college, I went to Japan for a summer on a mission trip. While I was there, I thought that perhaps God was wanting me to be full-time in Japan, and I would have had no problem with that! I loved it there, but struggled with the knowledge that God was not leading me there. Throughout school I kicked around a few career ideas, and was most excited about Biblical Archaeology and/or a Master’s in Old Testament, but I decided that I didn’t want to spend another 10 years in school—not to mention I’d probably end up in a teaching position, and I wasn’t so sure I wanted that. I graduated from Messiah, and had a summer and change to spend before I started YWAM the coming January. I felt God pulling me towards working at a summer camp, and I ended up at Camp Sandy Cove. One summer turned into 3+. In between YWAM schools I worked at camp. While at camp as in Japan, I wrestled with the idea that perhaps that would be my ministry in life. There was only one full-year position open, that of receptionist, and I would have gladly applied for that position and considered it a ministry (it is!). Again, however, God said no. Actually, for every place I ministered in between colleges (and it was a lot, all 3 YWAM outreaches where cross-country mobile team style), I prayed and asked God if that was where he wanted me—and the only place I heard “you belong here” was in Hollywood on SOPA outreach. Last place I ever woulda chosen for myself. Dunno how permanent it is, but having found a home church here after searching for one for 10 years in 3 different states, I hope I get to stay a while. But I digress.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that God tells me what to do and I do it like I’m some kind of robot. What I mean by all this, is that more than anything in my life I want to be in his will. He knows me better than I know myself, and my hidden talents and desires that I am unwilling to search my own heart to find. Listening for his voice is something that comes with practice, and I’ve had my fair turn of hearing it wrong. I know that God leads us down one path to show us another, and that has been the way he has helped me structure my life. I’ve never had more than a 3 year plan in my life, because I’ve never been able to see that far ahead. Some of these paths that he’s taken me off are ones that I recognize he may full well put me back on someday. Some people have it where God presents to them several options for them to choose, each one of them full of promise for fulfilling their purpose in life. For me, I was so spiritually needy in my early 20s, that I needed and wanted him to direct me more than allow me to choose. It worked well for me then, and now I’m in a different place with that relationship.

YWAM’s School of Performing Arts was the time in my life when I really started to embrace my interest and talent in acting. In high school I was involved in our church’s drama team, and I was told that I had a raw talent. However, I also had crippling stage fright. I never did any high school productions because of it. I couldn’t handle anything more than a short sermon illustration skit! My Discipleship Training School, however, turned that upside down.

In high school, I loved doing drama because I loved the thrill of entertaining people. I loved having them laugh with me, while at the same time bringing clarity to abstract concepts. However, I was afraid of being laughed at. I was terrified of messing up and ruining the skit, or having people laugh at me for my own stupidity. Irrational, I know. I still have a lot of dumb, irrational fears, despite the fact that God is the Lord of Hosts. Anyway, during DTS we toured the USA for our outreach and performed a 45-minute drama/dance/multimedia production about the sanctity of human life. We performed in schools, churches, and parking lots. To say it was incredible is an understatement. At our very first performance, the Holy Spirit came down like a heavy downpour. We performed the show about 4 times a week for 8 weeks, and the times we did our worst were the times God used us the most. Being a part of something greater than myself completely (if not mostly) erased my stage fright. By the time I got to SOPA and we performed a one-act version of Pride & Prejudice, I was enthralled to be on the stage. All the fear was more like a rush, like what you feel when you are about to jump off a high dive. And I did well. I was typecast as an elderly villain. So much fun. I finally started considering pursuing acting, but I still wasn’t sure.

Out of all our performing arts training, acting was the one thing I felt I had a good hold on. I had no previous training, but I did well. As far as passion, I think I was more passionate about movement. However, I love words, and I just can’t pursue dance and movement. I still would feel the need to communicate with my words, and I would miss that ability.

One of the things that I love so much about movement was how much of it is out of my control. I remember during our sanctity of human life presentation, we did a movement piece about the creation of the world. I feel like I did nothing but do my part to contribute to a whole, but the picture we created was beautiful. And it wasn’t so much “look at me, I do this well,” but it was more about “see how God placed us here to be a part of this thing that speaks of who he is.” Using my whole self to communicate a message of Truth—that’s what acting is about for me. When I am passionate about something, it resonates through my whole body until I feel like I might explode. Acting is a way of getting that energy out of me in order to make known to the audience what I’m feeling. There it is.

When SOPA was over, I decided to take a year or two off to figure things out. I was trying to decide between acting and costumes, another interest I had. I decided no on costumes, because as fun as sewing can be, the production end of costuming makes me overly-stressed and "snap"py. Clearly not a good "fit" for me (see what i did there? i made a funny). I even took a career test. I thought it might help me decide, but at the top of the list, way ahead of everything else, was Museum Curator. I actually looked into that , too, but didn’t want to do a Master’s program for a highly competitive field. I moved in with two of my best friends, and took an office job at a local car dealership with the intention of doing community theatre. As of then, I still had never been in a full-length production. I auditioned for the musical The Secret Garden, and got an ensemble role. I absolutely loved every minute of it. That spring I decided to attend theatre school. I never thought I would get in to a good school, but I thought “what is the harm in trying?” It was too late to audition for fall entry, so I waited a few months to start on that. That fall, the same theatre company then did Urinetown!, and I won the role of Little Sally. It was one of the best experiences I’ve had in my life, and I knew I made a right decision. They loved me too, and I was voted in as a board member-at-large! A few months later, I was accepted into AADA.

One thing that sealed the deal for me on knowing I had picked the right path was actually my surgery. I had a thyroidectomy in October 2008. I scheduled it for the day after our last show of Urinetown; I wanted that thing out of me as soon as possible. However, there was a (slight) possibility that the surgery could be botched, and I would lose the ability to sing or even speak ever again. That thought terrified me. I knew it wouldn’t happen, but accidents don’t happen on purpose. I knew that performing arts was the right choice for me, because if I could never read another ancient history textbook again, I’d be fine. Which is a ridiculously bad example of me trying to explain my passion for this...but whatever. I would miss expanding that part of me, but I would be ok. But if I lost my voice and could never sing again… well… the thought of it made my heart feel this panicky... desolation and the animal part of my brain hurt from some sort of primeval fear. Or something. Again, bad examples, but I know what I mean. :) I love to use the body God gave me to worship him, and I want to spend my life doing it. However, I recognize that God may call me out of this for whatever reason, and I am full willing to give it up to him should the time come. I gave up playing the bassoon in high school because I held that passion above him. It was hard, but I did it willingly because I didn’t want anything in the way.

Now that I’m in school, it hasn’t been easy. Trying to fulfill a purpose God has placed on your life isn’t something that’s just a cakewalk. School has been hard. I’ve found my weaknesses, and worked so hard to overcome them, only to find that they don’t really want to be overcome. Then there’s the self-esteem. I look back on pictures of myself when I was in high school and college, and I realize that I had the pathological need to be invisible in certain ways, ways that I find still creep into my mind every now and then. As a performer, clearly this is a problem. I’ve been making a conscious effort to act in an opposite spirit. Not in the way of showing off or anything, but more in the way of trying to look nice in public (as opposed to sweatpants), singing in front of others, and even posting my headshots on facebook where everyone can see them. It’s weird, I know, but then again those things never make sense, do they? So here I am, working hard, feeling like I’m not getting anywhere for it, but undeniable, infinitely overjoyed to be doing it. God has a funny sense of humor. Especially evident, because not only am I getting the training I need as an actor, but I'm making a living in the meantime in the school's costume department. :)