Fears & Roommates

My fishy loves me. He’s dancing around in his tiny bowl like a crazy person, just like me (substitute bowl for apt). I’m glad I didn’t get a beta; betas are boring. Sorry, beta lovers.

Having a roommate again is great (talking about a human now). Being alone for almost a year was also great, but it certainly had its share of downs in addition to the ups. Laura was supposed to just stay for the summer, but its looking like its going to be a permanent move. Sa-weeeet! I totally expected it would be, my lease is up in Oct and we’re going to start researching new apts tomorrow. Even though right now we have one room and bunk beds w/ the bottom being a futon couch, it’s comfortable. We’ve known each other long enough and lived together, so it works perfectly. One of the best parts, however, is how much our friendship has grown during this time. This year in Los Angeles for me has been a time of learning about myself. I’ve spent so long learning about God & his Word in college & YWAM, that now he’s shown me its time that I learn things about myself (terrifying endeavor, I’ve been putting it off for years). Some of it has been painful memories of who I used to be (the kind where you want to reach through time and punch yourself in the face), but also some awesome revelations of things about myself that I never knew. Having Laura to talk to has been a huge catalyst in this. I tend to hide myself from people at first; I tend to need to warm up to others. With Laura, I don’t feel the need to hide myself in any way. I’ve told her things I’ve never told anyone. I share them because I know that even if what I say is awful, she still loves me. She knows my heart well enough to know that the bad things I say are things that I will eventually outgrow as I seek to become more mature in Christ. I don’t really know where I was going with this, except to say that I consider myself infinitely blessed to call her a friend, and even more so to have her right here experiencing the city with me. I hope one day to possess even a fraction of her sensitivity, as well as the fearlessness with which she loves her friends (even though she won’t admit it).

Fear is something I’ve been needing to work on, for certain. I overcame so much of it during my discipleship training, yet it seems to have crept up on me again like the bedside nightmares I dreaded as a child. Despite the overwhelming (and hideously undeserved) faithfulness of God, I still let my fears take over. Even if they're stupid, and God blows them out of the water. I remember when I was in high school; I felt this recurring, deathly dread tell me that I wouldn’t live past the age of 26. It was so stupid, but it haunted me well into college until I eventually pushed it out of mind. Well, at age 26 I was diagnosed with cancer, but that diagnosis came after they removed my thyroid thereby beating the cancer before the fear could even take much root at all. I mean, of course I was scared, scared silly about what my body was doing to me, but the Holy Spirit put such a peace in my heart about it that I was able to laugh in the face of the enemy for putting the idea in my head in the first place. And still, despite all the care God has shown me, I still can’t fully give my future into his hands. Maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking about the past so much lately—it’s amazing to see what God has brought about in my life, but also I am afraid to look forward for fear of the unknown. People have prophesied over me that God has great plans for me, but I think that maybe I’m afraid that if I start forming ideas about the myriad of things that could be, I would totally miss the path he had for me. And yet someone also prophesied Isaiah 30:21 over me which has already come about throughout my whole sojourn to and through LA – “Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, ‘This is the way you should go,’ whether to the right or to the left.”
Another one: Isaiah 46:3,4 “I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you from your birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you. I will carry you and save you.”
Bam. I need to get back into the Word. I used to read it every morning over my coffee before school, but stress & exhaustion broke that habit despite how much I enjoyed it. Both those verses are written down on notes kept in my Bible box. I need to start speaking more Truth over myself, and allow God to build me up despite all my own attempts at letting my own fears/self-image tear myself down.

[Obligatory lyrics that sparked this pensive mood:]
Creation speaks to me, I’m stricken to my knees in reverence and fear
Forever my Almighty, the heavens in your hand surpass the grains of sand
Who am I before you, Eli Eonai Eli Adullam
My soul will wait, my soul—wait silently for God my God, God my refuge
And I will live and know some destiny still waits for me.
~Stavesacre, At the Moment