5:07 pm -- I need to get back into writing. I haven't done much since my ill-fated xanga page back in internet dinosaur times. Fortunately I deleted that account, but I should probably print out the saved file and light it on fire. Some good stuff, but also a lot of cathartic crap I regret saying.
Problem with writing is, I hate journalling. At least, writing in a book. I don't write well or descriptively (or legibly, for that matter) when I'm writing for no one but me. Sure, there is a lot of deeper stuff I miss out on expressing, but I guess that's what prayer is for. So unless I post this and totally forget about it and carry on with life, consider this me re-entering the realm of blogging. I love to write, and facebook statuses just don't fill the need.
That being said, yes, I am at work and should probably get back to it.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Only Love Remains - by JJ Heller
Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart
Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light
Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3BDYBGhSgI
[i love a song that rends my heart and speaks to me exactly where i'm at]
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart
Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light
Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3BDYBGhSgI
[i love a song that rends my heart and speaks to me exactly where i'm at]
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Fears & Roommates
My fishy loves me. He’s dancing around in his tiny bowl like a crazy person, just like me (substitute bowl for apt). I’m glad I didn’t get a beta; betas are boring. Sorry, beta lovers.
Having a roommate again is great (talking about a human now). Being alone for almost a year was also great, but it certainly had its share of downs in addition to the ups. Laura was supposed to just stay for the summer, but its looking like its going to be a permanent move. Sa-weeeet! I totally expected it would be, my lease is up in Oct and we’re going to start researching new apts tomorrow. Even though right now we have one room and bunk beds w/ the bottom being a futon couch, it’s comfortable. We’ve known each other long enough and lived together, so it works perfectly. One of the best parts, however, is how much our friendship has grown during this time. This year in Los Angeles for me has been a time of learning about myself. I’ve spent so long learning about God & his Word in college & YWAM, that now he’s shown me its time that I learn things about myself (terrifying endeavor, I’ve been putting it off for years). Some of it has been painful memories of who I used to be (the kind where you want to reach through time and punch yourself in the face), but also some awesome revelations of things about myself that I never knew. Having Laura to talk to has been a huge catalyst in this. I tend to hide myself from people at first; I tend to need to warm up to others. With Laura, I don’t feel the need to hide myself in any way. I’ve told her things I’ve never told anyone. I share them because I know that even if what I say is awful, she still loves me. She knows my heart well enough to know that the bad things I say are things that I will eventually outgrow as I seek to become more mature in Christ. I don’t really know where I was going with this, except to say that I consider myself infinitely blessed to call her a friend, and even more so to have her right here experiencing the city with me. I hope one day to possess even a fraction of her sensitivity, as well as the fearlessness with which she loves her friends (even though she won’t admit it).
Fear is something I’ve been needing to work on, for certain. I overcame so much of it during my discipleship training, yet it seems to have crept up on me again like the bedside nightmares I dreaded as a child. Despite the overwhelming (and hideously undeserved) faithfulness of God, I still let my fears take over. Even if they're stupid, and God blows them out of the water. I remember when I was in high school; I felt this recurring, deathly dread tell me that I wouldn’t live past the age of 26. It was so stupid, but it haunted me well into college until I eventually pushed it out of mind. Well, at age 26 I was diagnosed with cancer, but that diagnosis came after they removed my thyroid thereby beating the cancer before the fear could even take much root at all. I mean, of course I was scared, scared silly about what my body was doing to me, but the Holy Spirit put such a peace in my heart about it that I was able to laugh in the face of the enemy for putting the idea in my head in the first place. And still, despite all the care God has shown me, I still can’t fully give my future into his hands. Maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking about the past so much lately—it’s amazing to see what God has brought about in my life, but also I am afraid to look forward for fear of the unknown. People have prophesied over me that God has great plans for me, but I think that maybe I’m afraid that if I start forming ideas about the myriad of things that could be, I would totally miss the path he had for me. And yet someone also prophesied Isaiah 30:21 over me which has already come about throughout my whole sojourn to and through LA – “Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, ‘This is the way you should go,’ whether to the right or to the left.”
Another one: Isaiah 46:3,4 “I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you from your birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you. I will carry you and save you.”
Bam. I need to get back into the Word. I used to read it every morning over my coffee before school, but stress & exhaustion broke that habit despite how much I enjoyed it. Both those verses are written down on notes kept in my Bible box. I need to start speaking more Truth over myself, and allow God to build me up despite all my own attempts at letting my own fears/self-image tear myself down.
[Obligatory lyrics that sparked this pensive mood:]
Creation speaks to me, I’m stricken to my knees in reverence and fear
Forever my Almighty, the heavens in your hand surpass the grains of sand
Who am I before you, Eli Eonai Eli Adullam
My soul will wait, my soul—wait silently for God my God, God my refuge
And I will live and know some destiny still waits for me.
~Stavesacre, At the Moment
Having a roommate again is great (talking about a human now). Being alone for almost a year was also great, but it certainly had its share of downs in addition to the ups. Laura was supposed to just stay for the summer, but its looking like its going to be a permanent move. Sa-weeeet! I totally expected it would be, my lease is up in Oct and we’re going to start researching new apts tomorrow. Even though right now we have one room and bunk beds w/ the bottom being a futon couch, it’s comfortable. We’ve known each other long enough and lived together, so it works perfectly. One of the best parts, however, is how much our friendship has grown during this time. This year in Los Angeles for me has been a time of learning about myself. I’ve spent so long learning about God & his Word in college & YWAM, that now he’s shown me its time that I learn things about myself (terrifying endeavor, I’ve been putting it off for years). Some of it has been painful memories of who I used to be (the kind where you want to reach through time and punch yourself in the face), but also some awesome revelations of things about myself that I never knew. Having Laura to talk to has been a huge catalyst in this. I tend to hide myself from people at first; I tend to need to warm up to others. With Laura, I don’t feel the need to hide myself in any way. I’ve told her things I’ve never told anyone. I share them because I know that even if what I say is awful, she still loves me. She knows my heart well enough to know that the bad things I say are things that I will eventually outgrow as I seek to become more mature in Christ. I don’t really know where I was going with this, except to say that I consider myself infinitely blessed to call her a friend, and even more so to have her right here experiencing the city with me. I hope one day to possess even a fraction of her sensitivity, as well as the fearlessness with which she loves her friends (even though she won’t admit it).
Fear is something I’ve been needing to work on, for certain. I overcame so much of it during my discipleship training, yet it seems to have crept up on me again like the bedside nightmares I dreaded as a child. Despite the overwhelming (and hideously undeserved) faithfulness of God, I still let my fears take over. Even if they're stupid, and God blows them out of the water. I remember when I was in high school; I felt this recurring, deathly dread tell me that I wouldn’t live past the age of 26. It was so stupid, but it haunted me well into college until I eventually pushed it out of mind. Well, at age 26 I was diagnosed with cancer, but that diagnosis came after they removed my thyroid thereby beating the cancer before the fear could even take much root at all. I mean, of course I was scared, scared silly about what my body was doing to me, but the Holy Spirit put such a peace in my heart about it that I was able to laugh in the face of the enemy for putting the idea in my head in the first place. And still, despite all the care God has shown me, I still can’t fully give my future into his hands. Maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking about the past so much lately—it’s amazing to see what God has brought about in my life, but also I am afraid to look forward for fear of the unknown. People have prophesied over me that God has great plans for me, but I think that maybe I’m afraid that if I start forming ideas about the myriad of things that could be, I would totally miss the path he had for me. And yet someone also prophesied Isaiah 30:21 over me which has already come about throughout my whole sojourn to and through LA – “Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, ‘This is the way you should go,’ whether to the right or to the left.”
Another one: Isaiah 46:3,4 “I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you from your birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you. I will carry you and save you.”
Bam. I need to get back into the Word. I used to read it every morning over my coffee before school, but stress & exhaustion broke that habit despite how much I enjoyed it. Both those verses are written down on notes kept in my Bible box. I need to start speaking more Truth over myself, and allow God to build me up despite all my own attempts at letting my own fears/self-image tear myself down.
[Obligatory lyrics that sparked this pensive mood:]
Creation speaks to me, I’m stricken to my knees in reverence and fear
Forever my Almighty, the heavens in your hand surpass the grains of sand
Who am I before you, Eli Eonai Eli Adullam
My soul will wait, my soul—wait silently for God my God, God my refuge
And I will live and know some destiny still waits for me.
~Stavesacre, At the Moment
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Mulholland
I bought my fish tonight! It feels like a momentous occasion, but more on it later. I bought him at a store up in Sherman Oaks, and on the way back home Laura and I took the Cahuenga Pass (mainly due to my inability to pick up one of several 101 ramps). I don't mind driving, and I'm glad I missed the turns, because we ended up driving past Mulholland. We love that road. I would have pulled off right there for a drive, but we had to take Sir Reginald Merriweather Toffee-Nosed Snobbybottom to his new tank, so we decided to come back.
The thought of cruising down Mulholland on a warm night makes us contemplative and peaceful, so Laura (in control of music) put on a song that meant something to her during a previous season in her life, and that got me thinking about my own life and how it's changed. Some songs have come up to my memory that I haven't heard in a long time, and I've been enjoying them on a new level lately. The song "His Eyes Never Close" by Sherri Youngward came to mind, and I couldn't shake those haunting lyrics. I listened to that song on endless repeat during a dark time in my life years ago, and tonight the lyrics just wouldn't leave my head till we played it. We listened to it on the way to Mulholland, I've never had a more relaxing time in traffic on Highland near the Bowl.
When your race is reduced to a crawl
And your hands are weak from holding on
Keep your eyes fixed straight ahead
To the one who walked this way before you
Child stop weeping
God already knows
Even while you are sleeping
His eyes never close
Though the clouds may hide
The stars at night
Still I know, they haven’t lost their shine
Though the rains will come
So will the sun, God’s faithfulness
Is sure as the dawn
Child stop weeping
God already knows
Even while you are sleeping
His eyes never close
So close your eyes
And rest a while
Don’t be afraid
Jesus has walked this way
Before you
Child stop weeping
God already knows
Even while you are sleeping
His eyes never close
I wondered at first why this song would suddenly stick to me so well that I couldn't let it go till I heard it. I'm glad I was driving down Mulholland, because the seemingly aimless curves always clear my head, and there is something so familiar and comforting about my car that makes me feel like its a member of my family. I realized that with this song, my level of appreciation has changed so drastically. In college at Messiah, I used to cling to the warm, faint hope that this song afforded me; that my dark night of the soul would have an end and that I would one day have joy. Sort of like being in a prison cell in a dungeon on unknown charges. Only someone has told you that you won't be there forever, that you will eventually be released. You have no tangible proof, only the trust you've developed in the kind Voice from beyond the bars that tells you with authority and certainty.
I've been released. I trusted it would come (just barely), and it did. These past couple of years have shown to me how much God planted in my life that I've allowed to grow. Now when I hear this song, I hear it with new ears, and it fills my heart up so full. It reminds me of those times when my spirit could do nothing but lay on the ground and listen to the words wash over me. Now I feel like soaring when I look back and find that hope and faith really do bring things to fruition, and that God's faithfulness is "sure as the dawn." Praise Him.
The thought of cruising down Mulholland on a warm night makes us contemplative and peaceful, so Laura (in control of music) put on a song that meant something to her during a previous season in her life, and that got me thinking about my own life and how it's changed. Some songs have come up to my memory that I haven't heard in a long time, and I've been enjoying them on a new level lately. The song "His Eyes Never Close" by Sherri Youngward came to mind, and I couldn't shake those haunting lyrics. I listened to that song on endless repeat during a dark time in my life years ago, and tonight the lyrics just wouldn't leave my head till we played it. We listened to it on the way to Mulholland, I've never had a more relaxing time in traffic on Highland near the Bowl.
When your race is reduced to a crawl
And your hands are weak from holding on
Keep your eyes fixed straight ahead
To the one who walked this way before you
Child stop weeping
God already knows
Even while you are sleeping
His eyes never close
Though the clouds may hide
The stars at night
Still I know, they haven’t lost their shine
Though the rains will come
So will the sun, God’s faithfulness
Is sure as the dawn
Child stop weeping
God already knows
Even while you are sleeping
His eyes never close
So close your eyes
And rest a while
Don’t be afraid
Jesus has walked this way
Before you
Child stop weeping
God already knows
Even while you are sleeping
His eyes never close
I wondered at first why this song would suddenly stick to me so well that I couldn't let it go till I heard it. I'm glad I was driving down Mulholland, because the seemingly aimless curves always clear my head, and there is something so familiar and comforting about my car that makes me feel like its a member of my family. I realized that with this song, my level of appreciation has changed so drastically. In college at Messiah, I used to cling to the warm, faint hope that this song afforded me; that my dark night of the soul would have an end and that I would one day have joy. Sort of like being in a prison cell in a dungeon on unknown charges. Only someone has told you that you won't be there forever, that you will eventually be released. You have no tangible proof, only the trust you've developed in the kind Voice from beyond the bars that tells you with authority and certainty.
I've been released. I trusted it would come (just barely), and it did. These past couple of years have shown to me how much God planted in my life that I've allowed to grow. Now when I hear this song, I hear it with new ears, and it fills my heart up so full. It reminds me of those times when my spirit could do nothing but lay on the ground and listen to the words wash over me. Now I feel like soaring when I look back and find that hope and faith really do bring things to fruition, and that God's faithfulness is "sure as the dawn." Praise Him.
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